|shoes~Target, skirt~Express, top~Cotton On, cardi~Ross, necklace~Forever 21|
some doofus-ness for ya...
These pictures were taken last month before the holidays. I am presently sitting at my computer with a pile of tissues next to me and a nose the color of Rudolf's. Everyone is sick in my house. We are watching a crazy amount of Octonaut's and Little Einstein's. It is a whopping 9 degrees outside and I don't feel like going anywhere. My hair is washed though so there is a bit of accomplishment in that.
The Holidays were magical, crazy, fun, and hard... (and full of illness of course).
This month my husband leaves for officer training in the Army for 10 weeks. 10. I have dealt with him leaving for 4-5 weeks before and being gone for his civilian job quite a bit but never 10 whole weeks...
I went through DENIAL (He's not leaving until January I just won't even think about it)
...to FEAR (Crap, he's leaving! What if I lose my mind while he's gone and can't take care of my kids and a zombie apocalypse occurs and... now I feel nauseated) everything but the zombie part occurred in my thoughts during an actual melt down fyi
...which led to ACCEPTANCE (I can't live in fear. CAN'T. prayers... lots more prayers. Allowing the Lord to take over... letting faith happen.
...which led to breathing and thinking logically.
I CAN do this. I will be happy and talk to Brent often on the phone. I will plan to get babysitters and get out of the house once a week to do something fun. I will hang out with friends. I will do one of my 20 hobbies. I will get yummy treats and watch a favorite show after the kids go to bed. I will hang with my awesome 17 year old sister who lives with me and is, oh yeah, awesome. I will be OKAY!
So I am not normally this much of a wreck, here's a little background...
This last month I dealt with some residual effects from my anxiety/depression from last year. When it hits it hits. The hardest part is that it infuses this intense fear and hopelessness. It triggered me to live in a state of fearfulness. When will I have a panic attack? When will I feel crazy? When will hopelessness come over me? It's exhausting.
I was living in the "what if" and giving anxiety far too much power and leverage in my day to day life. What I experienced last year was traumatic. I often feel like I have PTSD and experience "grief spazms" related to what I went through. What I have come to realize is that I can be a person who has anxiety but I don't need to let anxiety be who I am.
Well, now you see why loosing my mind felt like a legitimate fear,
and why my handsome husband leaving for ten weeks seemed like climbing Mt. Everest without oxygen.
But here I am hopeful and happy and aware that I will have some hard days but that I will be okay.
He leaves on January 24th...
..lets not even discuss the year long deployments he will have later on in his career...
My motto: One day at a time.
The truth is life is hard and wonderful all at the same time.
Peace, Love and Hope,